I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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