She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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