I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
