i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
