fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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