His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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