Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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