I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
