she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
