note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
