I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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