I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
