I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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