i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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