so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
