I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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