Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
