my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
