I wish i was in the wii world.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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