You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
