this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
