Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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