His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Two words: blizzard sex
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
