I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
