I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
