I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
