She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
