I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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