Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
