I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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