I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
