this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The feeling are messing with the penis
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
