I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
