Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
