My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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