When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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