I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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