i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
why do cheetos always look like penises
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
