he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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