# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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