That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
