I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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