the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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