I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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