I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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