It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
