i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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