Do you still have your period?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
