last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
