she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
