Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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