Three words: puerto rican gang bang
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And then my night got REAL pukey
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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