# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
