You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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