What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
