saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
