Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
is that a dick in a sweater?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
