so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
