i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
